Saturday, December 14, 2019

How is it possible to be at both ends of the spectrum and not go insane?

Missing Shanny, her Birthday is in 7 days and I should be excited about her 25th Birthday, not sad or missing her. I should be planning her birthday dinner and Christmas presents. I should be excited about Christmas but I am not.

I am excited about Kara getting married, she deserves so much happiness. I am looking forward to dress shopping with Kara and Crystal. I am excited that Crystal and my granddaughter live closer and I am excited that Jerod has a nice girlfriend.

Feeling both ends of the spectrum is exhausting and I sometimes think that is why my head hurts so much lately. 

Sunday, December 1, 2019

Patience And Understanding, Please

I love my kids with everything that I am. One of those children was robbed of her life and that is hard and painful to adjust to and that will never ever go away but maybe someday I will be able to get through a day without it coming up but that will not happen today, tomorrow or even next year. I have triggers that cause me to cry or say things that maybe should not be said at certain times and if you don’t want to understand or have the patience to deal with the issues that I have then tell me to stay way but don’t snap at me or get angry because you clearly don’t understand what Doug and I have been through and are still going through. I would rather stay away then deal with your frustration on top of what I am already contending with.   

Monday, November 25, 2019

Mandatory Weekends SUCK!!!!

Today is day 8 of the 10 day work week and Doug and I are exhausted. What kills me is we all had to be there and the Lead bails. Then there is the fact that my brain is mush from the long work week and yet they seem to think that I can work this long ass work week and not make mistakes. The greed that has led to this insane week is not worth me killing myself to be loyal to a company that clearly could careless about the impact this 10 day work week will have on myself and my co-workers. It is so depressing. I applied for a new job else where that will actually respect what Holidays and work/home balance truly mean, I sure hope it works out. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

The Holidays Are So Hard Thankfully There Is Help If And When You Need It

Mothers Against Drunk Driving sent me an email with a hotline and I got to thinking that I really needed to share the information so I did on Facebook. Then last Saturday at our monthly counseling appointment I saw a hotline for Veterans and Active Duty Military and I thought I wanted to share both of those numbers because I know how hard it is to live through the Holidays.  I told My counselor about the MADD hotline and how I want shared it and would like to share the Veterans hotline too and he like the idea too so I took a picture of the flyer he had with the number on it but when I went to get the picture it was gone so I looked it up on line so I can share it for those who need help or someone to talk to. While I am thinking about it there is also TAPS for Military Families who have lost a loved one and I want share the link for the web site.

TAPS link to contact info

Saturday, November 16, 2019

To Bloody Early In the Morning

Ugh!!!!! 5:15 a.m. on a Saturday. Nobody should be up this early on any freaking morning, most especially a Saturday morning. I have leg cramps or is it muscle spasms in my legs to thank for this.  They are awful and some hurt way more then others. The inner thy muscle pain can affect my sciatic muscle and nerve and it hurts so bad that I walk hunched over and holding on to the wall when it wakes me up and it takes forever to walk it off. Then there is the upper back-leg muscle, the muscle just above my knee and my calf muscle that don’t hurt nearly as much but are great for guarantying little to no sleep.  I have the inner thy muscle cramps since I was 12 or 13 but the others are a more recent addition to my old age and very frustrating because they happen at night when I am sleeping. They also usually start waking me up on Thursday and Friday nights or even the beginning of my monthly cycle and they are becoming more frequent and very frustrating. I mentioned them to the Doctor but he never really addressed them. So now I am a wake and getting an early start on my projected writing topics that have been brewing in my head all week.

We had these reviews at work where we had to answer a bunch of questions, they called it a personal evaluation. They asked about honest, integrity, loyalty and number of other things and so I wrote a big long 3 paragraphs (that desperately needed editing) about what I thought of the company’s idea of integrity and morality fully expecting to be fired or lectured. The only things that my manger said after he informed me that my Lead said I was being insubordinate (which I was this time) was that I wouldn’t get fired for my input and he is concerned about my not being happy at work but he also said and I quote “that’s manufacturing”. Hmmmm………. Soooo, it’s part of manufacturing that the Leads talk about their underling with other underlings and its okay for those very same Leads to make inappropriate jokes about those underlings around others at work. It’s part of manufacturing that the Lead complains about one employee to another employee. I see a lot of not ok things that hurt my heart and all the manager can say is “that’s manufacturing” wow.

We were informed at the last company meeting that over the Christmas Holiday we will have to work every weekend. So I went and looked at the calendar from December 16 (The Monday following our last weekend off) to January 10 (the Friday before our next full weekend off) and we will have to work 22 days just so we can have 4 days off, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve and New Year’s. That is the price we pay for having a legal National Holiday off.  So that is 8 days before Christmas then 5 days between the two Holidays and then 9 days after New Year’s just so we can have the Holidays which, are a time for family off. In this case company greed is reigning supreme. They also made it clear that they were not going to grant time off for anyone over those Holidays. Good thing I requested Shanny’s Birthday off earlier not that it would have mattered, I will never work on her Birthday.

I can’t help but wonder what Shanny would have been like now. December 22 she would have been 25 years old, this year. 25 years old is a big deal, that’s a quarter of a century, car insurance rates go down. I wonder if she would still be in the Navy or out galivanting around the world or would she be home for this Birthday. Would she want pizza, spaghetti or Chinese food for her Birthday dinner or would she surprise and request something else. Would go out partying with her friends or stay home and party with her sisters and brother. Or in true Shanny fashion would find away to fit everyone and everything into the day. I sure wish I could see what she would do.

I find myself crying more as we get closer to the Holidays and I find myself wishing to write as well. The days get harder for me this time of year and can’t help but wish we could fast forward a bit. July is just as bad if not worse, it’s why Doug and I leave for most of it. I am looking forward to the family being together and making memories but now those memories are always tainted with sadness. I try to be positive for the family but some days it is so hard to even get out of bed. This blog helps, I get it written down and out of my head so I can function better for everyone.

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Road Trip

View from our room

It has been twelve days since my surgeries and my incisions are healing the one in my belly button feels weird and oozy but it is healing. I have a hard time getting comfortable at night but hopefully in another week that will clear up. I am glad I was still able to go to the beach for the weekend my awesome mother-in-law booked for us.

Last weekend was pretty cool, I got to relax, watch the ocean, nap and recover some more. Got to Seaside Friday night and had dinner at Sam’s Seaside Cafe and it was ok, Doug liked the Fish and Chips but my salad could have used a different lettuce and the steamer clams were decent. Saturday, I slept a lot but when I did wake up, Doug and I walked about 3 blocks and I rewarded myself with some salt 
water taffy. Sunday, we walked around the loop watching the ocean and taking pictures, it was
unusually warm out for this time of year, then we went to Mo’s for dinner. We came home Monday after stopping at Camp 18 for an amazing breakfast. Trip was so excited but boy the guilt trip, he ran on us was epic, he sure missed us but we missed him too.

Now I am resting and waiting for the letter from the doctor’s office telling me when I can return to work and what my limitations are. Doug will take that to HR so they can decide what I can do and where in the plant I can work for the two additional weeks of weight lifting restrictions that I will have. Trip every now and then insists that I
Dutch Bros stop #1
need to get up and walk him to the back door for his circuit around the back yard other than that he lays at my feet watching me.

Bring on the road trip

Trip reclaiming his shoulder

Thursday, October 17, 2019

What's Next?

What a month. I have been meaning to write something but I haven’t been feeling well between the fibroid reminding me that my uterus still exists even if it is no longer used and my gallbladder that decided now was the time to say ‘hey, I don’t feel so great now you need to know how I feel”.

Last Friday the fibroid and the gallbladder were both removed, and honestly the only one of those I will miss is my gallbladder because without it I know my diet has shrunk exponentially. The fibroid removal was the ‘easier’ procedure with a faster recovery but I wouldn’t know that because there is nothing easy about gallbladder recovery. Had my follow post op follow up with a nurse over the phone, this morning. I am curious about how other patients thought of this new thing from Kaiser. Phone appointments for pre op and post op are new to me and I wonder when Doctor’s stopped caring enough to see their patients or if this is Kaiser looking for more ways to steel peoples money and with little or no return for those paying for the coverage they don’t want to provide so their greedy little fingers can keep more money.

I finally did hear back form the Oregon BAR and they feel that Alicia Eagan does not need looking into. But they did give me until today to request that General Council look into the situation. I admitted had plan to did just that while recovering thinking I would get it done during the weekend nope. I sent my reply today, but my guess is I am to late. UGH, should have known better and that I should have put my words together when I got the response. UGH. I do hope the consider the email I sent even if it was sent today. Man I sure dropped the ball this time but there is hope that they will consider it.

I have spent the last 3 weeks feeling icky and unable to focus for more then ten minutes only to fail now. I know the email I sent was not the greatest and it needed editing but I am not even awake now so gosh only knows what you all will end up reading from me. I think its nap time, I also think this last month was a reminder that time keeps moving even without Shanny.

How is it possible to be at both ends of the spectrum and not go insane?

Missing Shanny, her Birthday is in 7 days and I should be excited about her 25 th Birthday, not sad or missing her. I should be planning...